How to Solve Political Problems – Buy Your Own Politician

Posted: September 14, 2015 in Uncategorized
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Everybody knows one thing about politicians – they can be bought. I don’t know how much they cost, but I know that I alone cannot afford one. I also know one won’t fit in my pocket, but I hear that some people keep politicians there.

I feel kind of sorry for politicians. So many people hate them. Even new aspirants, filled with ideals, ideas, hopes, and dreams, when they first enter the political spectrum, can’t win. Why? Because eventually even the simplest of politicians discovers that special interest groups will work hard to suffocate them, secret societies will devour them, and whatever public agenda they had going in will eventually evaporate like a dream upon awakening.

What a crisis!

But I think I may have a solution. We have been thinking about this whole political problem all wrong. We don’t have to be Democrats, Republicans, Independents, or Whatevers to get our own agendas heard – we just have to buy a politician! But because most of us can’t afford one by ourselves, we need to unite and pool our resources.

All we have to do is find like-minded individuals who agree with us on our own particular platforms – funding for education, health reform, affordable housing, environmental issues, etc., for instance, and approach political aspirants the way wealthy interest groups approach them – with money – lots and lots and lots of money!

You see, here’s what I predict – the final selection will come down to 3 candidates, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Jeb Bush, and Bernie Sanders.

Jeb Bush is a shoe-in for the Republican party because of his ties to money and because his father and brother were already presidents. A lot of you will be too young to remember the election ballot fiasco that ensured a win for Jeb Bush as governor of Florida – but because the Bush family belongs to the not-so-secret-anymore society, Skull and Bones (Yale University secret society), he will probably win the Republican vote despite what the polls might predict.

Hillary Rodham Clinton is a no-brain winner for the Democrats, simply because she has a brain and she knows how to use it. Republicans will swarm her like mosquitos and, like Republicans who spent hundreds of hours dogging Obama about his birth certificate and even after they discovered he truly was born in Hawaii, will relentlessly stalk her to inflict as much time-consuming idiocy so they can plant doubt into the minds of uneducated individuals who vote only for whomever is being touted on their favorite media source. Or they will vote for whichever political party they’ve been brainwashed into believing will be best for our country.

Does it really matter, though, how the American public votes? We all know ballots can be deceiving, because no matter what 51% of American citizens decide, the electoral college is what determines who actually becomes president.

On a more serious note, if you want to know how these three presidential candidates stand on important issues, such as abortion, civil rights, crime, drugs, education, environment, foreign policy, health care, and more, click any of the following links. And if the presidential candidate you want to know about isn’t included in my predicted top three, just plug your candidate’s name into this url on your browser:

Hillary Clinton on the issues

Jeb Bush on the issues

Bernie Sanders on the issues

Put each in a tab, and compare them side by side. Above all, be informed. Don’t blindly follow others who know just as little as you do about what these candidates (and others) intend on doing if they win the presidency. And don’t allow the media (that focus on issues intended to grab the weakest among us) to wipe away your intellect by infiltrating your brain with nonsense, while promoting deception and inciting anger. We sometimes forget that we are a UNITED States of America. We have choices. We have brains. Let’s use them!


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