Dear Silly Ignorant Illinois Resident Wiza

Posted: July 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

The following is an actual letter I received from the State of Illinois after I had been diagnosed with cancer and after Amazon informed me that I was no longer allowed to sell their products on my blogs.

Dear Silly Ignorant Illinois Resident Wiza:

We are writing to you today to inform you that you are one of the most poverty-stricken people in the entire State of Illinois. You, along with your other writing buddies, are the reason we forced Amazon out of the State of Illinois, because we noticed that you all had hoped to make money from Amazon.com (silly fools that you are). 

 We can’t allow that. You see, we want only upper class citizens and what we like to call wealth-challenged paupers to live in Illinois – we will allow no middle class residents in Illinois. 

 We, the Illinois elite, strive to do everything possible to prevent Illinois residents from moving upwards financially. Please understand – if we had a middle class, we might have to develop a conscience, and that would be, well, unconscionable. We are, as you know, no longer the land of Lincoln. We are now the land of Blagojevich and and the land of Ryan.

 Though we are working on ways to annoy Google so that nobody can make money from Adsense either, we’re not too worried about you specifically, because we notice that not many people read your work (you ignorant slut).

 HOWEVER, as you might be able to tell from the last sentence, we are a little peeved with you right now. We noticed that you haven’t drawn a paycheck at all lately and are contributing NOTHING to future taxes due to your disability. 

 Yes, we are aware of the cancer and the asthma, blah, blah, blah. Quite frankly, we don’t care. We counted on you and others from your poverty class to pay our salaries. There are far more of you out there than there are wealthy individuals. And, besides, they know how to find all the loopholes that prevent them from paying taxes. You, however, can’t afford to know that information, and therefore cannot use it to your advantage, so we are able to financially rape you with impunity.

 As a result of our investigation into your past piss-poor financial status, we are notifying you that we are now going through all of your back taxes. We’ve already taken care of the years when you made only $7,000 a year. We demand you pay us $1,000 of that, as stated previously. 

 Oops! Did we forget to send notice before we sent you to collections? Sorry. Bad credit score for you, HA! HA! Oh, and we hate to be the bearer of bad news, but our attorney will tack on his 200% fee and you will be well on your way to paying almost as much as you earned during those years! We get tingles of joy just knowing how this emotional burden is affecting you. 

 In other words, because you probably have the brains of a turnip, we are writing to inform you that you now owe $2,000 – so far. Expect updates as we work backward through your file (or, if you are slightly dyslexic, your life). 

 Next up is 2007. We’re banking (ha ha ha – no pun intended – we love preying upon the weak, the elderly, and the disabled) on the fact that you don’t know where your tax information for that year is located.

 On a positive note, we’d like to draw your attention to this next statement: Illinois is not all bad. If you play Monopoly, statisticians have determined that your best bet when buying property is to grab Illinois Avenue and the B&O Railroad. 

 At least you can pretend you have money while your house crumbles around you and you lose everything you ever owned.

 Please feel free to move into any one of our shelters or into a large box on Madison Avenue in Chicago so that we can locate you when we unearth more money that you owe us.

 Afterword: This letter may have come from my overactive imagination brought on by the trauma of watching my money get sucked down the throats of greedy Illinois politicians and attorneys who send people like me through meat grinders, swallow us whole, and then poop us out like unwanted waste while they work feverishly to help Illinois millionaires and corporations slip through loopholes by giving them tax breaks, tax shelters, and encouragement to commit tax fraud.

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Comments
  1. Linda says:

    Hilarious! Your afterword is particularly brilliant being the longest sentence imaginable that just keeps getting better. And bitter. I too have sometimes been unable to satisfy the IRS belief that even in no-income years I owe self employment taxes. I tried to explain that I fired myself and am no longer my employee.

    • theresawiza says:

      That’s even funnier, Linda, that you would fire yourself AND that the IRS expects you to pay taxes – taxes on WHAT? I thought anything times 0 was 0. Apparently I have been wrong all these years.

  2. Excellent blog! The tax scenario is dead on! They waste more money pursing enormous claims against people who don’t have any money nor the money to hire attorneys to straighten the erroneous messes out, hence the late fees, penalties, and interest stack up at exponential rates with no hope of ever getting resolved.

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