In My Shoes: Sucks to be ME!

Posted: October 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

For the first time in a couple of decades, I broke down last May 17th. Frustrated over my situation (soon to be explained), I suddenly became overcome with sadness – not for myself, but because of myself.

Finally, after decades of learning WHO I am, I have discovered that I truly am my own worst enemy.

But what I have also learned is how much of a bother I am to other people. I’m not asking for pity here, mind you; I’m just saying that I now know why people shake their heads at me. At one time it mystified me. And now I know.

I think of my ex-husband who I blamed for EVERYTHING. And then I put myself in his place. Every time we went anywhere, I either sat among his friends blowing my nose the whole time, because of my horrendous allergies to their animals, or I sat in the car by myself. What a joy I must have been.

But instead of looking at it from his point of view all those years – the guy just wanted to have a  good time and his wife was incapable of participating because of her allergies – I saw it as a betrayal of sorts. He should have been with ME, I reasoned, and not with his friends.

Putting myself in his place, I realized that I was probably more of a hindrance to him than an asset.

Even today, I have to ban myself from friends and family who have animals. Any time they hold get-togethers, I can’t attend, because I can’t sit in their homes. In my selfishness, I want them to find new homes for their pets so I can visit them. It didn’t occur to me until recently that they could be so attached to an animal that they would never NOT have one, just because of me.

Over the summer I went to a birthday party where several people smoked and I’m sure many of them wore fragrances. I suffered from a migraine for three days.

My health is not the only issue that causes me endless misery. My mind contributes to so much chaos I can almost not stand it.

If only infrequently I walked into a room and forgot why I was there, I would chalk it up to normal distraction. That it happens nearly every time I leave a room is disruptive.

Losing things is an ongoing and constant problem. The slightest interruption will cause me to forget everything I’ve been doing. A phone call, a spider on the wall – anything and everything distracts me.

I also find myself playing defense – always. Even though I know I’m not lying, others always assume I am. And because of that I automatically assume a defensive posture.

In the late 80s when I mentioned that I was a grandma, people accused me of lying. “No, you’re not,” they would say, their eyes squinting in revulsion, and I would respond with a quizzical expression, “Yes, I am.” Though I wasn’t lying, though I knew I was telling the truth, I had to defend myself, and after a while I stopped telling people I was a grandmother until I got older. Why would I lie about such a thing?

Throughout the years I question what I should and shouldn’t reveal because I know somebody will accuse me of lying.

I have also been labeled as one who makes excuses for EVERYTHING. When I ask people to be specific, they can’t – or won’t. It’s hard to overcome a label, though, when everyone believes that everything they say, no matter how evasive, supports the label.

My father used to call me lazy and stupid. Why wouldn’t my oldest daughter consider her mother to be lazy and stupid if her own grandfather thought as much (or as little) of her mother?

The newest comment I hear is, “Why don’t you just get a job?” And again, I find myself in defense mode. If I could dictate the following conditions, I COULD work anywhere, BUT I would have to work for a company that demanded of its employees a no-animal policy. Dander travels and a simple touch on my skin could cause me to break out in hives or, if the dander was airborne, to start wheezing. Dander remains on clothing. Unless employees stripped at the door, I’d be in danger of coming into contact with it throughout the day.

Smokers, even if they smoked only on their breaks, would not be allowed to work with me, because their smoke could send me to the emergency room.

And nobody would be allowed to wear fragrances of which I might be allergic.

What people don’t understand, and what I find irritating because I have to explain all the time, is that something as simple as a fragrance can cause a severe migraine. The dander from a Siamese cat has the power to hospitalize me. And even if I’m not with a smoker at the time he smokes his cigarette, the smell of him when he enters my place of work will cause my lungs to shut down. Smoke filters into hair and clothing, and just because a company claims itself to be smoke-free, a smoke-free policy doesn’t mean that the company is completely free from smoke.

Allergies to fragrances, cleaning supplies, and air fresheners seem innocuous to anyone not allergic, but for those of us who are sensitive to the irritants, being in the presence of even one allergen can have deadly consequences.

A few years ago, a woman who worked with one of my daughters and whom my daughter loved and cherished, attended a cookout. Somebody had sprayed bug repellant. Ava experienced an allergic reaction so bad, she died.

Maybe people don’t understand how devastating allergies can be. Maybe people don’t have the compassion for understanding physical problems. And that’s what I have had to deal with – ignorance.

On a positive note, in a couple of years I will be retired. I have just invented a new device that will allow me to whiz around in a little bullet-proof, break resistant plastic bubble (much like the one in the video below but stronger) that comes with its own oxygen tank built right in. I’ll paint a picture of a hamster on the outside so you’ll recognize me as I roll down the expressway.

If you would like to read more from this author, click any of the following links:

All Craft Connection

Your Weird Dreams
Your Blog Connection
Help For Single Parents
My Heart Blogs To You
Writing Creatively
Paranormal Minds
Product Favorites
Theresa Wiza’s Blog


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  1. Beth says:

    Damn! I just typed a big long comment and poof! Gone. Anyway, what I said was that unless someone suffers from severe allergies or is close to someone who does, I think they can’t fully comprehend how many dangers are, well, everywhere. One of my hubby’s aunts had a great number of allergies and simple trips to the grocery store could result in trips to the emergency room–and often did.

    Nice bubble, by the way. ;O)

    • theresawiza says:

      Thank you, Beth. I sometimes wonder if all the migraines everybody experiences aren’t somehow related to allergies they don’t know they have. Oh, and thanks for the compliment on the bubble 😉

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