Why I Don’t Date

Posted: December 18, 2009 in 1

From the title, you can surmise that I do not have a boyfriend. You are right. I haven’t had  a boyfriend since 1995. The reason? I never have any time, but more importantly, I’m too picky. I want a guy who doesn’t drink, take drugs, or smoke.

As you can see, already the pool of available men has shrunk to about 50% (estimate). I also don’t want him to be married. Down to about 10% now. If it’s not asking too much, I’d like for him to be an adult and to act like an adult, while maintaining his childlike wonder.

I assume we’re down to about 1/2 of 1%. AND he has to be imaginative, creative, playful, and fun, with a great sense of humor that aligns with mine. In other words, I don’t find people vomiting or defecating funny, so if he cracks up every time somebody throws up or poops, his sense of humor does NOT match mine.

Where are we? 0% – oh, and one more thing, he has to be vulnerable AND masculine. Minus 0%.

You can see why I’m having a problem.

My children also think I’m too picky, because they have set me up on dates with their friends’ fathers, all of whom wanted to get married IMMEDIATELY. Wow! Talk about scary. I could have been Godzilla and it wouldn’t have mattered, because when a guy is eager to get married, he sometimes marries the first one who says yes.

In all fairness, the guys my kids set me up with were very nice and sweet men. I just didn’t want to get married right away and they married within a year of my dating them.

Not every guy wanted to get married, though. One of my daughters set me up on a date with a guy she said I’d have a lot in common with, and not to worry, he wouldn’t want to marry me. Though he seemed to be weirdly fun and had a great sense of humor, I never could figure out what I had in common with a gay drug addict who partied every night. Maybe my daughter wanted me to relive the 70’s.

Anyway, I am a couples watcher. I try to figure out what people find attractive about their partners. I study them. And I’ve seen couples I don’t “get”. I can’t help but ask, what does she (he) see in him (her)? Then I pick out their obvious flaws and really delve into the reasons I think they shouldn’t be together. Usually it’s because I think I could have stood a chance at somebody like Michael Weatherly if only he had noticed me.

Maybe I’m just the tiniest bit jealous. I feel like one of those pathetic people on facebook who show up in the corner with the message, “so and so has only x friends – suggest friends for so and so.”  Only in my case it’s, “Nobody has ever loved this poor pathetic woman – suggest mates for her.”

It’s not that I haven’t tried to find Mr. Right. But my judgment is poor. If I believe in the theory that like attracts like, I would have to admit that I must be a downtrodden psychopathic drug addicted alcoholic. On the other hand, if I believe that opposites attract, I would have to admit to being a saint.

Neither one of those statements is true. I do, however, tend to attract one of three types of individuals, alcoholics/drug addicts, obsessive compulsive types, and apathetic losers. So one day, way back in the early 90’s I decided to date somebody I didn’t find even a tiny bit attractive.

His friend fixed us up and I was somewhat reluctant to go on a date with him, but I convinced myself that people I found attractive were not good for me. So I forced myself to find SOMETHING attractive about him. The fact that I wasn’t attracted to him at all meant I stood a small chance of being successful in the dating arena.

Or so I thought.

We went out only a couple of times before he asked me if I wouldn’t mind calling his wife to tell him we had never “done it.”

OK, I reasoned, from now on I guess I can assume that the people I’m not attracted to are married, but that assumption would be only partially true, because when his wife came over to confront me, she cried, “Oh, thank you for telling me the truth, because you just have no idea what it’s like being married to a crack addict.”

So it seems that whether I’m attracted to him or not, I find the wrong guys. But if you happen to be in that -1/1000 of 1% who isn’t married, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, has a great sense of humor, fits into the categories I listed above, and you promise not to ask me to marry you on our first date, let me know.

Otherwise, I remain dateless.

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Comments
  1. This has convinced me that I never want to be single again…Lol!

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