When Life Gets In The Way Of Living

Posted: October 17, 2009 in 1
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For the past week I have been attempting to write, to provide daycare, and to write some more. Instead, I have been completely exhausted, which, from what I understand, is one of the side effects of chemotherapy.

I explain it this way: imagine how your body would feel walking up a steep hill – through quicksand. Everything I attempt to do is followed by a feeling that my body is collapsing. I put on a load of laundry, and I have to lie down. I make myself something to eat, and I have to immediately sit in a comfortable chair or lie down.

Last week I attempted to provide daycare. By the end of each day, I was nearly comatose, unable to even take a shower. And yet, while my body was uncooperative, I could not fall asleep – one of the side effects of the drugs I took for nausea last week is insomnia. So I recline on my bed as my heart pounds in my chest. My mind jumps around in my head, fully awake. My eyes and my body are in desperate need of sleep, but I toss and turn. I can’t get comfortable.

Right now I am sitting at my computer writing. I know I will probably last less than an hour here, at which time I will need to lie down. I refuse to allow breast cancer to slow me down though, so, while on my bed, I bring out my antique laptop that allows me to write whatever I want, but I can’t post anything anywhere.

The computer is so old, it doesn’t recognize commands and won’t allow me to click the buttons that will allow me to add links or photos. And it won’t allow me to publish anything, because I can’t access the article sites for which I write.

So I write on my ancient laptop, email my writings to myself, waddle over to my good computer, and post my writings. It’s a chore. It’s time consuming. But I refuse to give in to the demands of this chemo and give up my life for something that is only temporary.

I’m convinced that this annoyance is just one of numerous disruptions in my life. And that’s how I’m looking at breast cancer – an annoying disruption.

I am reminded of John Lennon. Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.

  1. uninvoked says:

    Congratulations on not giving in. You have a fighting spirit that impresses me even from this side of the internet connection. Best of luck to you in both your writing and your continued struggle against cancer.

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