Dream May 17, 2009

Posted: May 17, 2009 in 1

I was driving down a road on my way to attend a function that friends from my former employment invited me to attend. I knew I was on the right road and that the place was only a little further away.

When I arrived at the large ranch-like structure, I wasn’t sure I was at the right function, so I parked my car, left my suitcases behind, and walked through the rain to get inside. I asked if any of my fellow former office mates had arrived. That was when I discovered I was at the wrong ranch. I was at a horse race event, which was not the function where I was invited to ride horses.

The woman who owned the ranch was reluctant at first to tell me that the ranch I wanted was just around the bend, but she finally told me it wasn’t much further, and watched me leave.

On my out of the building, employees joined the owner at the window and begged me to stay with them, but I knew I was at the wrong place and that the event I was supposed to attend was only a little further down the road.

As I walked out of the structure,  I couldn’t remember where I parked my car. The parking lot was on a hill above ground. I decided I had to climb the hill to get to my car. It never occurred to me that I hadn’t had to descend the hill after parking my car in the first place, but I climbed it anyway. 

Inside the structure, everybody stood at the window to watch me climb the hill. Once at the top, I looked around the parking lot to discover  that my car was not there. So I stood on the hill and looked down at the race station and there, parked across the street from the entrance, and several cars down, was my car.

The dream ended there, but I realized the significance of it almost immediately. My whole life I have been in a hurry to establish myself as a writer, pushing for that moment when my life could be lived, not with all the everythings I do to make money, but with only writing as my job and my career. I rush through life sneaking in time at the computer during the day when the kids are occupied with other activities, spending every night after day care at the computer, every morning before day care at the computer, all weekend long, in between laundry, cleaning, shopping, and visiting, writing on my computer.

All of it revolves around my struggle to “make it” as a writer, interspersed with other job-seeking, time consuming activities that might possibly bring in money that will afford me to survive.

What the dream was telling me was that I’m on the right path, that I wasn’t meant to “race” through life to acquire my dream. That I still haven’t learned the value of patience. And that some of the struggles I’ve encountered are self-made. I don’t have to climb so many hills. 

And the reason I had this dream? Very simple. My income is now at an all-time low, and I’ve been asking myself how I can afford to live on $650 a month. Do I continue to write, hoping to make it someday as a professional PAID writer, or do I give up and … and … you see, that’s just it. I can’t give up. I’ll never give up. Even if I have to sell everything I own, including my home.

I would like to say that I’m running out of patience, but the truth is I never had it in the first place. I’m running out of time. But I’m not running out of hope.

I feel that I’m on the right path and that someday, hopefully before I die (let’s face it, I’ll be 58 this year), I will actually begin bringing in money for something I actually enjoy doing – writing.

I’m already older than Susan Boyle. It’s time for me to live MY dream.

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